Drugs are bad, mmkay?

As you know, I have this dumb problem with my head called pseudotumor cerebi. Luckily, I haven't had any headaches or migraines at all since my spinal tap, and I've been on a medication called topamax to relieve the pressure in my skull so my brain won't explode. Two weeks ago, I went to the West Virginia University Hospital's super fancy facility specifically for eye and neurology problems, where the doctor did all kinds of tests on my eyes and things seemed good.

My optic nerves are starting to return to normal and they have hardly any swelling left. My headaches have been non-existent, and my vision has actually improved. In addition, I'm no longer colorblind in my left eye. However, my normal doctor's higher-up told me to increase my dosage, from 50mg a day to 75mg a day. Oh, boy.

Let me tell you a bit about Topamax. It is a migraine/seizure medication that is also used to treat pseudotumor cerebi, and has the added bonus of weight loss (I've lost 9 pounds since starting it, can't argue with that). However, some side-effects are pretty terrible, such as kidney stones and hair loss. Oh, yeah, and violent mood swings, panic attacks, and thoughts of suicide. Guess who experienced the latter? This girl.

I've struggled with unmedicated chronic depression for most of my life, so I thought I was just going through one of my lows. Nope. Every day since I started the higher dosage I thought about killing myself in a variety of ways. In class I started to randomly have panic attacks. The entire world looked gray. Then I started thinking about orphans in Darfur and felt guilty, because who am I to feel like crap when at least I have food, water, shelter, and am not being hacked by pieces by the Janjaweed? Then it just started a vicious cycle.

I'm approaching the end of my prescription, so hopefully I'll be off of this evil demon drug from the 9th layer of Hell soon. I pray that this dumb problem with my head is gone. Why is it always my head that's screwed up? Why can't I have a left wrist disorder, or an outer ear disorder, or perhaps an armpit disorder? Ah well. C'est la vie.

In other news, I am becoming a professional student by taking up a second major in Computer Science, because I'm crazy. I don't feel like I'm smart enough for the math, but my professor insists my ACT score is good enough (26 in math on the ACT? Seems kind of low but whatever). I'm in a programming class now and I love it. I'm the only girl in the class, which is kind of funny.



Also, I have another award! Wee! I guess there were some questions to answer with it, so here they are:

If you blog anonymously, are you happy doing this? If you aren't anonymous, do you wish you started out anonymously, so that you could be anonymous now?
I feel anonymous enough so that I won't be randomly stalked, but not so anonymous that no one will feel like they're reading about a faceless computer person.

Describe an incident that shows your inner stubborn side.
I am always stubborn. For example, I irritated the shit out of the admins at my college for graduation because their older catalogs were a huge clusterfuck to the point that they gave in to my insane whims. Bwahahahaha.

What do you see when you really look at yourself in the mirror?
Depends on my mood. Sometimes I see someone I like, who is ambitious and smart, and sometimes I see an ugly, raging lunatic.

What is your favourite summer cold drink?
It's been a while so I don't remember the exact name, but the delicious orange-pineapple smoothie from the Angry Smoothie Man in the Mountainlair on the WVU campus.

When you take time for yourself, what do you do?
Write, read, crochet, draw, paint, play games, and browse the interwebs.

Is there something that you still want to accomplish in your life?
Right now, I want to get my degree in Computer Science, and I want to finish my book and have it published.

When you attended school, were you the class clown, the class overachiever, the shy person or always ditching?
I was painfully shy, and still am, but always did well.

If you close your eyes and want to visualize a very poignant moment in your life, what would you see?
The night Sean proposed to me was so perfect that romance movies couldn't touch it. It was a clear summer night by a pond that had an island with a single tree, the moon was full and silver, and the crickets were chirping. I mean, we're not getting married for quite a few more years, but he decided that moment was too perfect to pass up, and it was.

Is it easy for you to share your true self in you blog, or are you more comfortable writing posts about other people and events?
A little bit of both. I find it hard to talk about some problems though that I would really like to get out, but I just don't know how to discuss it without sounding dumb. I like writing about outside events as well, though.

If you had the choice to sit down and read a book or talk on the phone, which would you do and why?
Read. I don't like talking on the phone other than to my mom or Sean, and reading is awesome.



Thanks, Dani-Q, for the award! Hugs!