Brittany and Sean: Master pasteriers

A few weeks ago Sean and I bought a Halloween house kit. I made one last year and while it was no where near as pretty as it was on the box, it was decent. It's more or less a chocolate cookie house that comes with icing mix, grape bats, gumdrops, green balls, and a confectionary ghost. Look at the box art: these guys must've worked on it for 10 hours to make it so perfect and cute!

Today we decided to build the house. We carefully mixed the icing and began topping off the roof. However, the icing was too thin and it ran, much to our dismay. I tried to make a door, Sean placing the green balls around it, but it melted and ran down the side. We were sad.

Finally, Sean said "fuck it" and started pouring icing randomly all over it. The house was bleeding orange and purple. Joining him, I took a handful of bats and threw them on the house, the grape candies fusing into the evil haunted mashion.

It turned out that destroying the house was way more fun than perfectly building it, which is nervewracking and you start to notice your hands are awfully shaky when you're trying to perfectly align little green candies on the sharp roof. Here are the fruits of our labor.

This is the front of the house. Notice the melted door that still remains from when we began. Dead bats that have flown into the house are now fused with it, becoming one. A ghost in the left window pukes sweet orange bile as the house itself bleeds from the souls of its lost victims.

More dead bats have become entrapped in the house's gooey web of deceit, slowly being digested by the evil leviathan. A row of gumdrop tombstones line the yard, a warning to any adventurers or teenagers with a great dane to stay away.




The back is splattered with ectoplasm. Obviously, many great ghost wars have been fought here. Sadly, it is an endless battle, an eternal hell in which they may never leave. They wish to see their wives once again, leaving the horrors of war behind... too bad they don't realize they're already dead. A pair of gumdrop boobs is also here.

A rumble is heard from the misty distance, far from the eyes of the undead denizens that call this place their waking nightmare. In the distance, a towering goliath approaches, cookie trees crumbling in its wake, stirring flocks of Peep crows to scatter into the churning black sky. A great growl rips from its maw, lined with sharp teeth.

The ghosts cry out in dread as the creature lowers its head, and, with a great wail, sinks its jaws into the deathly prison of their home.

The gheists try to flee, but they're trapped in their eternal torment. Teeth gnash at them, and they stab at the monster in vain with their licorice spears and Pocky swords, but to no avail. The monster eats his fill and, as quickly as he came, vanishes into the black forests of the night.

The ghosts gather around their bleeding, melting, oozing mess of a home. Though they hate it for its role as their warden, their eyes fill with ghostly tears. Their haunting wails ring out over the marshmallow hills: the place for which they have fought, suffered, and died for eternally hangs in crumbling ruins, cracks of cookies falling from the rafters through to the yardside below. They are still trapped. They will continue to battle endlessly, forever... but for what?

So yeah, it was fun. And messy. And ugly. But delicious.