Take me home, country roads (without zombies)

I live in West Virginia. I wasn't born here, but I've lived here for most of my life. Most people I know complain about how much they hate it and how they can't wait to leave it. I've met people from out-of-state who don't even realize we are a state. I get this conversation a lot:

Them: You live in West Virginia? That's cool! I have family from Roanoake!
Me: Roanoake is in Virginia.
Them: Yeah? So?
Me: West Virginia is a different state. It separated from Virginia and became a state in 1863. It was kind of a big deal.
Them: Whatever. Bunch of hillbillies.

For years West Virginians have been labeled as a group of moonshine-swilling, deer-hunting, racist, shoeless rednecks. Oh, those do exist here, don't get me wrong. They also exist everywhere else in the United States. We don't have the monopoly on rednecks.

Because of people's general misunderstanding of our state, I decided to devise a list of why West Virginia is awesome and once the apocalypse is neigh we'll still be here.

1. West Virginia is completely covered by the Appalachian range. That means when zombies or sentient robots invade, we'll be pretty safe in our dazzling array of peaks, valleys, caves, and cliffs. Since West Virginians are used to walking on an inclined plane, that means we're good at it and can escape easily, especially if these invaders are from the Midwest.

Good luck scaling this bitch.

2. This state is one of the most beautiful, natural, rugged, and scenic in the country. Wildlife is everywhere. I have a fawn that has taken up residence in the backyard (I named her Crimson, after the crimson roadstains that spot the West Virginian highways of dead deer), as well as three rabbits (Fluffers, Twitchy, and Sir Hopsalot). There are snakes, bobcats, coyotes, owls, foxes, black bears, even freaking cougars, and that's just scratching the surface. Because we are so used to seeing wild fauna, we have become intuned with them and can actually control them telepathically to rise up and destroy our invaders. The Mountaineer is the one with the strongest powers.

The backbone of our armies.

3. We have lots of coal, which means lots of steam power, which means steampunk, which means steampunk zeppelins that will drop barrels of explosive moonshine on enemies. Moonshine is hardcore, because if it's made wrong, it'll make you go blind.

Typical West Virginian gentlemen making moonshine, the artillery of our militias.

4. Most of our populace hunt. It makes sense; we have more deer here than people. That's not really a hyperbole. It makes sense to hunt deer because they're rampant and dumb, as well as tasty. Because so many people here hunt, that means they are a good shot, which makes gathering an Apocalypse Militia easy. Also, they won't have to starve like most people do because we have herds of retarded food grazing all over the place. I don't really hunt, but I'm good at fishing, and West Virginia bluegill is tasty.

Dumbshits.

5. Not a lot of people, and therefore less of a chance of zombie bites spreading. We're also less of a priority for invaders. If the robot overlords are anything like out-of-staters driving through over the New River Gorge bridge, they'll be going 25 miles an hour with their flashers on while we speed by at 80. Therefore, it'll be a pain for them to invade.

Entertainment is being a West Virginian and watching a New Yorker drive over this.

6. Endless mine shafts to hide in.

Also good for hiding the bodies.

So in conclusion, West Virginia is awesome. It's sad that the media continues to treat us as backwater hillbillies instead of the apocalypse survivors we are. It's okay, we won't let them in once West Virginia has changed its name to Shangri-La. We'll let you guys in though.