The customer is always right?

You know what's fun? Idiotic customers. I come across a lot of them working midnights as a waitress. Dumb customers also seem to be the cheapest. I have a couple that stand out in my mind, and I thought I'd share.


1) A woman orders a turtle sundae for her kid. You know, hot fudge, caramel, peanuts, and ice cream, with whipped cream and a cherry on top. Pretty run-of-the-mill turtle sundae. I bring the sundae to the kid and he looks excited.

When I check on them, the woman holds up the sundae, freaking out. "Honey, he can't eat his ice cream because there's all these peanuts and chocolate and yellowish brown stuff!"

"Yeah, that's what a turtle sundae is."

"Well, can you bring him a turtle sundae that's just ice cream and a little bit of chocolate at the bottom?"

I force a grin. "Right away."

I plop the un-turtled turtle sundae in front of the kid. "Now that's more like it!" I hold in the urge to smash his face on it. Thirty dollar check, 50 cent tip.


2) A table of five drunks come in. Now, I get a ton of drunks working midnights in a restaurant right across the street from one of the trashiest bars in north-central West Virginia. But these guys are beyond drunk, to the point where they've probably reached the sublimity of nirvana from having more whiskey in their veins than blood. They're loud, obnoxious... you know, the ones who you really don't want to be the DD for because you don't want to be mistaken for their caretaker.

The young guy catches the edge of my Starry Night sleeve and asks to see it. I lift my shirt sleeve and he blinks at it, then touches it. I guess he figured it was textured like that actual painting.

"Yeah, well check this!" He lifts his shirt sleeve to reveal a (albeit well-done) tattoo of a topless angel with enourmous bajongas.

I force a grin. It's an art form. "Nice."

The old guy at the table stands up with his coffee and says he's going to go outside for a second to smoke. I tell him that's fine.

"You know, I'd like to get to know you on a one-on-one basis." Mind you, he's as old as my grandfather.

"I'll pass."

I put in their order and take it out to them some time later. The guy with the angel tattoo is standing by the edge of the booth as I place his T-bone on the table. He picks it up with his hands, takes a bite, and slams in on the tabletop. Completely throws the fucker like a Olympian discus competitor.

I try to talk the manager of kicking them out, because they're disturbing other tables, but it doesn't happen. They leave the biggest mess I've ever seen. I've had people with babies that they give cookies and spaghetti to grind up and dump on the floor, and they were cleaner than the drunks. Oh, and a sixty dollar check with no tip. They were all trashed and drove away, possibly into a school or an elderly jogger.


3) A woman comes in with her two school-aged kids at 2 AM. She has no idea what different types of espresso drinks are, which is fine. Not everyone knows the difference. So I explain them to her, but she can't grasp the concept.

"Now, this... espresso... does it have caffeine?"

After standing there for literally ten minutes explaining drinks to her, she decides on a Pumpkin Chai Latte. She then screams at her kids to hurry up and choose a drink, she ain't got all night.

I bring their drinks and take their order. She once again screams at her kids to hurry up and pick something. One of them can't read that well yet, he must've be five. Again, she has me standing there for ten minutes while she decides.

(Side note: If you're at a restaurant and if the server asks if you're ready, don't say yes and then look through trying to decide. The server can come back. "Ready" means you're prepared to say your order.)

She looks at the omelettes, getting frustrated. "Why do you have to have these omelettes with all this stuff in it? All I want is an omelette with egg!" As calmly as I can, without turning around and bashing my head into the buffet glass, explain that omelettes are made of egg. That's the yellow stuff holding the other stuff.

She also orders a salad, with three huge cups of ranch. She's having ranch soup at this point. Forty dollar check, no tip.


Those are my best that I remember. Here are some from when I worked midnight buffet. For those of you that don't work with or live near me, the midnight buffet has a hot side of breakfast food like egg, home fries, bacon, etc, and a cold side with fruit. Drunks love that shit.

1) Had a bunch of rednecks arguing over what the prunes were. One insisted it was a cold bowl filled with mushrooms.

2) Sean's customer on the bar came up to him and asked where the syrup was. He pointed to the wells at the end of the bar. "Oh, I thought that was sweet tea!" Yes, we keep an enormous pitcher of hot, sticky sweet tea with a ladle at the end of a buffet.

3) I had just taken a container of bacon out. One whole box of bacon will fill a container. As I went in and came back out to fill something else, an enormously fat guy, at least 350-400 pounds, waved at me.

"When are you going to bring more bacon out?" I look over at the just-filled container. It was all gone. He was the only one in the restaurant at the time who had the buffet.

4) A customer is asking me what stuff is. Understandable, for some of it. He gets to the pancakes and asks what they are. When I explain, he looks bewildered.


And finally, dumb customers that were not my own:

1) My friend Kurtis was running some coffee out to a table. The guy looks at the coffee pot and stops him.

"What is that?" He explains that it's coffee. "Oh, I thought that was black water."


2) Sean gets a To-Go order. The lady says, "What's that pasta dish you have with chicken and... that green stuff?"

"Chicken Broccoli Alfredo?"

"That's the one. I want that." Sean tells her she gets a side with it. "No, I just want the regular Chicken Broccoli Alfredo." He says yes, you get the alfredo, but it comes with a side. "No, no, I just want the regular size Chicken Broccoli Alfredo."


3) I forget who this was, but Sean was telling me about it. The server checks on his/her customer, who has the midnight buffet. "This is some good cheese soup you have!" He was eating straight cheese sauce.


And finally, the dumb question everyone gets constantly:
"What time does your midnight buffet start?"
I don't know. 7 AM maybe.